coffee with silence

Sometimes I wish that I had a quiet moment. I usually wish that when there is no chance in hell that I will have one immediately, or any time soon.

Ah, and just as I typed that, the swirl of annoying chatter around me up and died away. Thoroughly random, life. So, I'm now sitting here and tapping away with a cup of coffee by my side, a cozy feeling laying quietly all over the surface of my skin. I have been thinking this morning about flaws and perspective and comparison. It is a sneaky thing, comparison. I found myself sliding into it just last night, visiting friends who's lives and houses seem so much more put together than mine. Getting into that subtle place is so easy; getting out of it is nigh impossible. When comparing my life/house/relationships to other people, it almost seems like I'm getting a new perspective: here is what you're life/houes/relationship looks like *compared to*... But is that the highest that perspective should ascend? Cannot my view be vaulted even further up (for people are always around to be compared to) and show me that, yes, my life looks like "x" next to my friend's life "y", but that doesn't give more value to hers and less to mine. My life is (should I write it?) is entirely mine, my decisions alone. Taking responsibility for it is like taking a big gulp before diving off a cliff.

The utter committment it takes to own my life is scary. It feels adult, responsible. I have to stand up and say: yes, I have decided to do this, to be this, and I stick by my decisions. That means that I cannot go back and make the other decisions...and what if the other decision was the better choice?

Life doesn't work like that. I can only do the best I can, make the clearest, smartest decision possible---but I must make it!---and then live it.