new challenges

My mind feels like a sponge right now, full to overflowing. It needs to be wrung out.

I started a new job this week, and along with school, I feel like I've been cheerfully shoved into the freezing cold, choppy ocean. The first day was the worst ever. Rain. Power outage. Dead alarm clock. You get the picture.

Today was just jammed with information. And while I feel the capacity in myself to hit the ground running, I am moving slowly this evening. I want to give my brain some time to dry out, fluff up, and get ready for tomorrow. This is an important skill that I need to work on: taking time.

I don't say "making time", because time can neither be created nor destroyed (as much as I would love to create an extra five hours in my day, I just can't!). I say "taking time" because that is what has to be done. The time has to be wrestled from the stiff grip of my own perfectionism, the voice in my head that cries for progress, productivity, and the artifacts to prove it. To take time from that perfectionist, to say to it, "No, I am going to eat dinner and take a hot shower first." is to take charge of my own sanity. I think that it is the exact opposite of taking control in my life: it is realizing that I can't control everything. I can't control how exhausted my body gets after days and days of stress. I can't control the amount of hours that come in my day. But I can take a breath, close my eyes for a moment, and experience a bit of peace before diving back into the fray. And that is what I'm going to do this evening. That, and eat some ice cream.

winding down, winding up

Well, it has been a busy couple of weeks. I have been making some big, life-altering moves (literal and figurative). The summer is winding down and I'm trying my best to eek out the most evening light and laziness I can.

Do you ever feel like you are being sabotaged?
One of the most difficult things for me to deal with lately, has been my self. That's not really a "thing" per se, but it feels like something totally "other" sometimes. I consider myself a smart person, even logical when the occasion calls for it. I have no idea how it happens, but there is this Mr. Hyde part of me that will rear its ugly, irrational head. I will find myself doing and saying things that I would not normally do or say. The end result: some very important people in my life look at me worriedly, start to doubt my sanity.

Now, it has to be said that things are not moving for me at a consistent or rational pace lately. But are they ever? Does anyone ever get a long, smooth stretch of life where everything has time to settle properly and gain momentum? I haven't, at least not since elementary school, but I had bigger problems then...like gym class.

Just this morning, while sipping coffee and eating a slice of rasberry muffin, I realized: I iam just an awkward kid. I used to think, at one point, that I was poised and ready for the press conference podium at the White House. Not so much anymore. I am just this wierdo who like to read books and write things and take faux-artsy pictures.

The good news:
-the TIgers are winning
-I start a new job soon
-I have wonderful people in my life who love me, even if I am awkward.

So, chagrinned, I am starting to wind up for fall. Grad school and a new job await, as does the quickened pace of life with a jammed-full schedule. Adrenaline is buzzing in my veins. This must be what the major league batters feel as they approach the plate. A ninety mph projectile is about to speed toward them, and the proper response is not to run away from it~no. They take on the challenge. They come out with a bat in their hands, ready to slam it out of the park. To me, this seems both very brave, and very smart.