music and book and green tea therapy

I just pilfered the Half Japanese record Charmed Life from the hubs' itunes this week. I'm completely obsessed with this album right now! The first song is a particular jump-starter for me lately:

• Said And Done by Half Japanese

 

More Half Japanese music on iLike

I don't really know why. I mean, I know that the groovy, rockin' beat and crazy-sounding horns are really "this moment" for me. I'm officially back to work--grappling with traffic on my commute, planning classes and helping my students figure out their blog posts and readings, helping them grow as writers. Trying to dodge a lot of the grumbling and now-naked politics that's been stripped open because of the construction on campus: two major buildings getting renovated. Which is fantastic. But, we're all at "camp" in our make-shift offices and classrooms, and no one is very happy about it.

So, I try to listen carefully to my colleagues, try to smile a bit more and hang out just being there with them. All of us displaced academics who are trying not to freak out, while simultaneously helping our students not-freak-out and maybe, just maybe, teaching them stuff, too.

Which is why reading this book again has been amazingly calming. Parker Palmer's book, The Courage to Teach, is one of those C.S. Lewis-type books for wisdom written down in a surprisingly elegant way. Like when he says:

"As good teachers weave the fabric that joins them with students and subjects, the heart is the loom on which the threads are tied, the tension is held, the shuttle flies, and the fabric is stretched tight. Small wonder, then, that teaching tugs at the heart, opens the heart, even breaks the heart--and the more one loves teaching, the more heartbreaking it can be."

Sigh. So true. In honor of that knowledge, and the fact that as a willing member of this heart-broken society, I need to find healthy, non-grumbling ways to manage stress, I've composed a short stress-busting list.

I could...

• appreciate clouds more, especially since their so beautiful this time of year.
• ...get excited about scarf-season!
• drink more green tea~I've been savoring this kind lately...
• talk to my mom more...I always feel better after I talk to her.
• or, I could run away and become a diver in Japan. 

What about you? When things are spinning crazily and you feel the need to beat the stress, what do you do?

summer is a balloon

Wow, how did it get to be SEPTEMBER? Already???

This summer has existed with all the joy and rarity of a hot-air-balloon sighting. So many things going on, so many changes, so much color and...life! Well, let's see...to recap:

My little sister got married (*so* SO happy for her and broseph!)

                                                  

The weekend after her beautiful wedding, Jake and I drove to Philadelphia for a quick getaway...that was cloaked in the disguise of the Council for Writing Program Administrators conference, which I presented at. My first ever national conference--it was nerve-wracking, but exciting! My presentation went well and then we went to museums. But, you already know about that...

The weekend after that, I took the Megabus to Chicago to help my dear friend and glom pack all of her belongings into a truck, and then we drove it all back to Michigan. Two. Days. Later. Talk about exhausted! But man, my quads and lower back got a workout...

It was the hubs' and my 2nd anniversary! The official gift of the 2nd anniversary is "cotton". My mom got us matching v-neck t-shirts. Aw. 

My summer of teaching in the SIP program came to a close...and just like that, summer seems to be over, drifting away like that hot-air balloon we spotted behind our apartment, into the sunset...

phil-A-delphia freedom

Last  weekend we were in Philadelphia, me for the CWPA conference, Jake for a weekend away to sketch and write. I did have Elton John stuck in my head, as well as lots of ideas about writing and rhetoric and education. It was, my friend Jen and I decided, an immensely intellectual weekend. 

But it wasn't all conversations about pedagogy. Jake and I squeezed in some time to bash about the city, and it was great! We saw lots of cool architecture, and some historic sites. 

Having been to Philly before for a printmaking conference, Jake had scoped out some stuff for us to do. He took me to a swanky little martini bar with a live jazz band. We sipped cold drinks while this gal in a blue dress belted "The Best Is Yet To Come". The cutest part was how proud my husband was to show me around; he was a very good tour guide. 

We walked through city center and checked out some parks and the profusion of modern sculpture, and then hit up Chinatown to see the arch. We wandered into a tiny Vietnamese shop and purchased spicy barbeque meat kabobs for a dollar while the proprietor chatted us up, explaining how he developed his spicy sauce recipe while holding an entire cooked fish. We ended up at a Belgian pub for mussels, belgian fries and the most complicated beers ever. 

Before leaving on Saturday, we hit up the Philadelphia Museum of Art, which was so cool. It is seriously so huge, there is so much art to see. Jake was excited to see the Marcel Duchamp pieces, and it was interesting to hear him describe them to me...like having my own personal curator guiding me through the exhibit! 

All in all, it was a great trip. Aside from the massive amounts of driving there and back again...This weekend promises more of the same, as I trek out to Chicago to help Jen move. After that, I may just swear off road trips for life...or, until the next cool opportunity comes along.

does this guitar make me look fat?

via uulyrics

Whew. It has been a little while since I've written~sorry for the delay, everyone! Over the past few weeks, I've been trying to squeeze the very most out of my summer that I could...because today I'm back to work! (do you hear the song "back in the saddle again"? it's running through my head...)

But the last weeks of summer were totally sublime! They've included:

• touring Traverse City wine country with my mom and sis
• biking along Lake Michigan
• falling for some new books
• meeting Doug, of Hot Doug's fame
• trying out XOCO, the new Rick Bayless restuarant
• Discovering "Chicago's Premier Dive Bar"
• trying a new yoga class
• meeting up with the girls for brewery/swirlberry girls' nights!

I definitely will be writing more about these experiences, but I had to jot this quick list, so I don't lose any them! More detailed posts to follow...

Anywhoo...today was my first day back on campus, teaching writing for the Summer Incentive Program here at Eastern. It went great. My students are splendid, and I felt like even though we went over LOTS of stuff, they hung tough and I think that bodes very well for the next few busy months.

distracted by summer

So, I've been terribly unproductive lately.

What I mean is, I still haven't finished my WPA presentation.

Instead, I've been distracting myself with summer reading, yoga, and plans for a trip my mom, little sis, and I are taking up north to have a girls' trip before my sister's wedding. That's right: Traverse City, here we come! I am so excited to be on the beach, slathered in SPF, but on the beach nonetheless.

via Photography Today

So, I've been starting to collect outfits, pile them up and pack in my head. Am I the only one who does this? I pack and re-pack, and then ultimately have the heaviest suitcase/backpack around. But, I have the perfect clothes for any occasion, all trip-long. 

Here is an outfit that just seems perfectly beachy:

via jcrew

Also, I am still on the search for the perfect cover-up. It should ideally be comfy and lightweight enough to prevent beach shvitzing, while at the same time being dress-like enough to wear to lunch. This one would do the job nicely!

via anthropologie

And then, let's not forget the feet! You certainly don't want to burn them on hot sand, but you also don't want to get hot-feet. Avoiding the ubiquitous flip-flops is also a plus. I feel like I would walk around all summer in these shoes!

via toms

And, of course, let's not forget the beach read! 

Ever since I took a short story class with Steve Amick, I've loved his wry sense of humor and deft writing (and teaching) style. This guy just has moxy. I'm looking forward to reading this novel of his, which is actually set in Northern Michigan, and has been waiting for summer with me: 

I can't wait! What are the summer essentials you're loving lately?

soft breezes pushing through

Today has been easy and productive. Sun-drenched and yet, still cool with the soft breezes pushing through the open windows. Good music on the stereo. Bare feet. Finished revisions to University Writing Center Workshops for the fall. Looking forward to dinner with our friends, Neal and Jamica, tonight.

Sigh. I love summer.

Projects:

• The WPA conference will be here before I know it! My presentation needs work. 
• Next weekend Mom, Mand and I are going up north for a "Girls' Week" on Lake Michigan beaches, tasting Leelanau wines. Must. pack. 
• My fall classes need some TLC~planning hard-core revisions to those puppies

Thinking:

Contentedly. Lately, I've been able to grasp how great my life is, and how grateful it makes me. I get to write, be with my husband, plan fun trips, sleep in on summer days, stretch my body with yoga, eat well, and be with good friends. What an incredible gift this life is!

Reading:

Finally finished Prose, and still working on Sontag. Oy. But, I managed to get my hands on the next Inkworld book, so am mostly in fantasy-land these days...

                                           

summer kicks off

I feel like it is officially summer now. I don't know why. I mean, I've been on break from school for about a month, it's been (relatively) warm and sunny, but somehow this week is the week. I'm officially on summer vacation!

Summer kicked off for us with what we called our "staycation", which just means we house-sat for some friends who live a couple of cities south of us, and treated it like a vacay. Cheap, easy, and surprisingly refreshing. It was a great way for the hubs and I to connect after our stressful semesters.

During our staycation, I also continued my journey to learn about famous summer music festivals of the late 1960s. This is the hubs' mission for me: that I be educated in the ways of classic rock n' roll to a level I never thought possible. So, I finally saw the Woodstock documentary.

And, let me tell you, I surprised myself by how patiently I sat and watched.  The music was pretty cool. My favorite acts were Richie Havens opening, Crosby Stills and Nash being pitch-perfect at they're second show together, Sly and the Family rocking the party, and Santana (who I didn't recognize until he started playing his guitar, and I was like, oh THAT Santana?!). The continuous flow of naked teenagers talking about freedom and peace did, however, make me throw up in my mouth a little. I have enough of a cynical nature for that. 

Still, it was interesting to see more of this famous summer music festival that turned into a history-making  event that could never be recreated. It made me want to listen to more Jimi Hendrix this summer, and go camping. But no skinny dipping. Probably. 

bright and sunshiny

At last. It is bright outside and sunshine has returned. I have to say, these past few days of rain and grey have, after the initial coziness, really worn on me. I am delighted by the blue, blue sky.

This week has been at intervals relaxing, busy, fun, emotional, sickly, bleh, and tipsy. Now, I am ready to regroup for my whirlwind weekend ahead:

Projects

• Putting together a shower gift for my little sister. (her shower is on SUNDAY!) This is proving to be a feat of creativity, since we are summer-poor, and I want to give her something useful, yet fun and meaningful. So far, I'm trying to figure out a fun way to "style" a set of wineglasses...any suggestions?
• Planning a few summer "Bits and Bobs" to work on in the home; framing some pics, scouting out a bedskirt (and maybe awesome antique headboard?), purchasing a potato masher, etc.
• Getting ready for our "Staycation"--I'm dogsitting for a friend next week, and the hubs and I are turning it into a mini-break to help us wind down from the semester. 
• Class-planning: yep, already starting to think-through revisions for fall...and the Summer Incentive Program! (yikes, better get to it!)

Thinking

...about community. With Mand's shower coming up, along with the various social functions we're now free to attend-no grading or writing or studio time tying us down-I'm reminded of just how important our community is. We are blessed to have great friends and good bosses and awesome colleagues and loving families. At times, it's challenging to be in relationship with other human beings; they're not perfect, neither am I, so we grate against each other, like hard italian cheese and a microplane. 

At times, my family (whom I adore) just gets right up my nose--ugh! So frustrating! So annoying! So just-like-me-it-hurts! But, at the end of the day, they are also the ones who know me best...and love me best. They are related to me by human blood...and by Divine blood, as I count in this category that crazy, rag-tag bunch of wierdos that I see every week to talk and pray and worship Jesus together. 

My friends, too, are sometimes a big investment (of time, of energy, or even just of patience), but they are also the ones that I can count on. They are the ones who say nice things about my book, and offer to read it if I need feedback. They are the ones who come to my house for brunch, or morning yoga, or catch a bus into town to attend important functions with me. They are the ones that I can be honest with, be encouraged by, and just "be" with. 

Then, there's my bosses, and my colleagues at the university, who sometimes are strange and awkward. Mostly, though, they make me excited to drive into work every day, they stimulate my thinking and collaborate beautifully on really cool, cutting edge projects that push our field forward. 

Community is such a buzzword lately. It's all about community organizing and "being in community". As always, I get to the point where I have to think through the buzzwords and ask myself "what the hell does that even mean?" So, this is what I'm thinking about lately.

Reading
Well, I finished Inkheart (very satisfying) and am working "diligently" on Prose and Sontag. To my delight, though, I've discovered another dear friend is joining the blogging community! Natalie's blog is up and running, and she's all about poetry and thoughts and cool insights that may-or-may-not be distracting her from her Master's project:) Go check it out and get in on the conversation!

rainy day eighties

It was so lovely to wake up slowly this morning, to the murmur of rain outside. Summer vacation is just budding, and nothing compares to the coziness of burrowing deeper into the covers with the backdrop of rain music!

The hubs and I are enjoying this first week of break. We needed it! Today is a nice, relaxing day...the record player is filling our home with the melodious strains of the Eurythmics. An oddly perfect pairing with the rains slipping down the windows and pattering on the roof.

And no sooner have I finished Perelandra, when another fantasy trilogy catches my fancy! I just finished the first book in Cornelia Funke's trilogy. I have to say, it totally sucked me in. My goal for this week is to finish the rest of the books I have going, so I can in good conscience jump fully into the "Ink" trilogy and finish off the C.S. Lewis Space Trilogy. The summer of reading continues! 

Because today is rainy, it calls for sweaters, a fresh pot of coffee, and maybe a trip to the library. What is your favorite plan for a rainy day? 

the day is just gorgeous.

Ah. It's one of those days where you want to go lay in the grass, roll around in it, rubbing spring into all of your pores.

Since it's Friday, and since I'm a little tired from *seriously* cleaning the house (we're talking spring-clean, man), I will just do a little summary today.

Projects

• Well, I just finished all the final grading for my classes. So one project I write down that I can immediately cross off (am I the only one who does that?)
• BUDGETING-with summer break comes the summer belt-tightening. Bring on the penny-pinching!
• Writing group: my friend, Natalie, invited me to a writing group meeting on Monday. I think I'm going to go, although it's been a long time since I've been in a writing group (I'm a little nervous, I think!). I hope they like/get/are ok with the book stuff...

Thinking
About travelling. A lot, lately. In my dreams, I can travel the globe whenever the fancy strikes. Lately I've been thinking about real practical ways to save for a hubs-and-nic trip to Europe...maybe next summer??? (she asks hopefully...) Here are some pics I snagged from a random travel blog I was gazing at...

Reading
Of course, I'm still reading too many books at once. But, I'm also now a proud follower of my dear friend Josh's new blog. Super smart and easy to read thoughts about life and faith. Do check it out and join in the conversation~it's sure to expand our thinking all the way around!

new book new book tra la la

Ok.

So, at the beginning of the year, I made a resolution that I knew I would break, and I've broken it.

The resolution was secret. In my heart, I told myself very sternly:

"Nicole, you will only read one book at a time." 

HA! 

Well, I've started a book. Another one. I'm still, of course, working on The Volcano Lover by Susan Sontag and Reading Like a Writer by Francine Prose. Both books make me feel smarter just by gazing at the words of these ultra-smart ladies. I try on their intelligent thoughts like a young child traces letters, pretending in order to learn. I'm tracing these writers' smartness, hoping to write just as smartly someday.

But every once in awhile, I just need a bit of fun reading. Something that will suck me in and make me forget that I am reading at all. And since the other night I watched a deep and thoughtful movie about heaven and hell and death and couldn't get to sleep right away...I tapped good old C.S. Lewis for some sci-fi fluff.

I'm always fascinated by the various covers that books glean from all their printings. I know we shouldn't judge them because of it, but I can't help trying to illicit clues from front covers, and inside flaps, and back covers, as to what the book is all about. Because books feel sort of alive, like friends, I want to make sure I choose them carefully. Though, with books that have multiple printings, it's harder to tell. For example, maybe I want to be friends with the last cover here, but the first one is kind of weird to me. Ironically, that's the way my copy looks! So, maybe when we get past looks, we find who we really want to be friends with based on what's inside. 

What about you? Do you judge books by their covers? What are some of your favorites? (books or covers or both!)

HOW many days until Easter??

I was totally unprepared for the fact that last Sunday was, in fact, Palm Sunday. Plus, it was cold and rainy...and in my brain Palm Sunday should be dry and sunny as the day of Jesus' triumphal entry, when everyone was wearing sandals. And there were palms trees all around.

Maybe I just need a tropical vacation?

Well, spring is springing its way into southeast Michigan, however reluctantly, and I am happy about it. The hubs just returned from a printmaking conference in Philadelphia, and it was SO great to welcome him home! I was excited to have a few days to myself, cleaning obsessively, watching Jane Austen movies... but when he got home I realized how great it is to simply *be* with him.

Which leads me to the next question from the list:

What is one way that you can improve your family life this year?

It is still weird, a year and almost-a-half after my wedding, to think that I have "my own family" now. When I first read this question, I pondered what "family" even means. At a very basic level: me and the hubs. But, for most of my life, it has meant mom, dad, sister, and self. It has meant grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Now, it includes in-laws. Nephews. Another person's history is merging with mine into our family story. 

Like anybody else, my family story is complicated, messy, and carries its fair share of scandal. Brushes with wealth that somehow never stuck. Great-great grandma Phoebe wouldn't let my great-grandpa Charles be mentored and adopted by the millionaire art collector Charles Freer, though Freer wanted to leave his fortune to an heir and thought it serendipitous that great-grandpa shared his first and last name...and so my family and I are not art tycoons.

Though the head-slapping moments are many, and though they have continued through time to the present day in many ways, I love my family. I have to. And, I want to. Not always. But I know I can't get out of it. So, I'm thinking that one way I can improve my "family life" this year is to try to practice more compassion towards my family. Starting with my husband...maybe even starting with myself...extending to cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, in-laws. Something has to counter the scandals and goof-ups and rolling-eye-moments, because they keep coming. If I can cultivate compassion toward myself and my relations, our life can only improve...maybe even bloom. 

the fog presides

I feel like I'm in a fog today. 

And I mean that literally AND figuratively. With the drastic warming-up of southeast Michigan, all the snow has magically transformed into a thick, low-hanging draped over the buildings and roads. My brain feels like the enshrouded buildings on campus...I can sort of make out the shapes of my thoughts...but nothing's really clear.

And it's Friday. I'm so glad. I am ready for the weekend (even though I've over-scheduled myself, as usual...) 

And, since it's Friday, and since I'm in a fog, I'm gonna try to at least nail down three main things:

Projects

• I am still working on "the book". It is scary and I feel like I'm just barfing up dumb stuff...but still going. 
• The Bright Ideas conference at MSU is coming up! I have a rough idea what my presentation will look like...
• Grading this weekend! (yay.)

Thinking

I've been thinking a lot lately about next steps. There are big decisions to be made, and yesterday it came really clear to me that my heart is pretty evenly divided when it comes to them. What about you? What do you do when you're faced with a big decision?

Reading

I started The Volcano Lover, by Susan Sontag, over break. It's so smart, and subtle and rich (so far). I'll keep you posted on how it goes!

the funny joke and the squeezing hug

First of all, isn't this tea cups card the cutest?

And since we're asking questions...here's another one for ya:
Do you ever feel like you plan to do something out of one motivation, and then dread it with whole other set of motivations?

I do this to myself all the time. I make contradictory plans, declarations, conceive of and try to live out ideas that don't exist well together, they don't 'play nice'. For instance, I declare, "I want to host a tea party for young women at church," which doesn't necessarily mesh with, "I want to get a massage and chill for the rest of my break."

Or, "I want to write a book," doesn't always seem to go hand-in-hand with, "I want to live in a clean house and grow my own herbs and make photo albums and bake scones from scratch."

I'm not sure why I do this to myself. Maybe, like Liz Lemon, I want to "have it all." Is that even possible? [and, in deference to Natalie Goldberg, who in Writing Down the Bones says, "if you can write a question, you can answer it... immediately go to a deeper level inside yourself and answer it..."(145).] Yes, it's possible, and messy and unpredictable. I can have the orange scones and the midday nap and the written book and the coffee and the tea and the yellow-cratered moon. Maybe not all at once. Maybe not all in the moment that I want it all to be (which is usually all in the same moment for me--I want it all...NOW!). Maybe I need to keep learning patience, and steadily working bit-by-bit on all the things I love. And maybe I need to keep pausing, to drink in the tea parties and the melting snow, the funny joke and the squeezing hug.

how we can be

"Only writing stays with the great vision. That's why we have to go back again and again to books--good books, that is. And read again and again the visions of who we are, how we can be. The struggle we go through as human beings, so we can again and again have compassion for ourselves and treat each other kindly."

           ~Natalie Goldberg, from Writing Down the Bones

shalom

So, my sister got me this book for my birthday

and I started it this morning. It's really good, scholarly yet surprisingly accessible. (I zipped through 24 pgs in like, twenty minutes!) At the outset, Eckert is discussing reasons why women may not feel whole in our society--relational loss; trying to do-it-all and failing; criticisms that we've internalized and begin to believe about ourselves; cultural messages that sexualize and fracture women, relegating them to bodies that sell things, objects of desire; even the church, which, while it is supposed to be a safe community for broken people of all backgrounds and genders to work together, each using their gifts fully, is all too often a place dominated by men, where the concept of who women should be is extremely narrow.

Then, she begins to discuss definitions for wholeness, and I thought you'd be interested in this:

"...the Hebrew prophets [discuss a way to live whole] called shalom: 'in the Bible, shalom means universal flourishing, wholeness, and delight--a rich state of affairs in which natural needs are satisfied and natural gifts are to be fruitfully employed... Shalom, in other words, is the way things ought to be'" (Cornelius Platinga 10). 

So, shalom to you, dear readers. Have a flourishing, rich, delightful day!

Do something impossible

So, the next question to be tackled from the list:

What is one impossible thing that you will believe God for this year?

When I first read this question, my immediate response was, that he'll help me write a book. Why that, out of all the possible things to believe for? Well, because it scares the shit out of me, for one. 

As soon as I thought this, and knew with all certainty that writing a book was the goal for the year--the impossible goal--I got really embarrassed. This is, I'm sure you realize, in comparison with say, solving one or more family crises, or helping people in Haiti. I'm completely selfish. 

Of course, I want to believe God for altruistic things. But this book is particularly significant. It's between him and I. He knows, and I know, that I'm scared to start. We both know I feel paralyzed and yet conflicted about my paralysis, since I feel somewhere in my gut that I am a writer. Well, writers write. So, here we go. I'm going to attempt a record of this effort, which you may follow,  if you like, here.  I'm leaping off the cliff, no net. We'll see where I land. 

Why I Heart Snow

-It is beautiful. Or at least charming.
-It is quiet.
-If there is enough of it, you get a snow day:)
-It comes in different sizes and textures: i.e., wet, floppy, soft, floaty, hard, tiny, gritty, light
-When it falls slowly, it's just magic.
-Two words: Midnight walks.
-Bundling can be cute...


-It is prettier to look out when it's in the teens and see a thick layer of white sparkles, as opposed to dead grass and cold pavement.
-It makes winter holidays all the more fun!
-It smells good.
-It looks becoming snagged on eyelashes.
-It is fun to catch on your tongue.


-It is fun to pack into balls that you launch as projectiles.
-Have you ever made a snow angel????
-Two words: Winter Olympics.


-I hear snow-shoeing is incredible exercise.
-It makes a satisfying smush-crunch under your feet.
-It makes the covers seem cozier.

what the what????

I feel so ugh today.
#1- I'm freezing cold. thanks, michigan
#2-I caught sight of myself in the mirror this morning and literally almost cried. I looked so puffy and tired, in a most depressingly teacher-sort-of-way. Or, in a prisoner-of-war-sort-of-way. Couldn't tell.
#3-I have the busiest day EVER ahead of me (groan)...
#4-I procrastinate.
#5-Just found out an old family friend had a mental breakdown...am creeped out, and also cynically not surprised. Feel tireder.
#6-I have no idea where to start today.
#7-found random image above at this cooky spot. Kind of strange, kind of wonderful, in a confusing sort of way.

Have resolved to embrace the dumbfoundedness for the rest of the day. Possibly, all week. Why not, right?!

Here we go, Monday!

Joy is walking on a road, not really a "place" so much as it's a process.


Found this beautiful photograph of a road, and though the title is "long road to ruin," I'll just swap in "joy" for "ruin". Thinking about what joy even means. Or, what it means to "enjoy God". Or, "What 's one way I can enjoy God more this year?"


EN-JOY. To be "in joy"? To exist in joy like fish exist in water, swimming, immersed in it, breathing it in and out, moving through it, buoyed by it...?

In the Old Testament, water is used as a metaphor for helplessness.
Wine, on the other hand, is a metaphor for joy.


The familiar story, out of John 2, where Jesus turns the water into wine, was the topic of the sermon at Grace yesterday. The point was that famous quote from Mary: "whatever He says, do it...." or, the road to joy means doing what Jesus says. I like to think that it's also a metaphor for my life: that Christ turns helplessness into joy.

Jesus was a joyful person, someone that others wanted around...I mean, he was invited to that wedding in Cana, right? He wasn't sitting in the corner, quietly judging all the guests partying...he didn't even make a stink about there being *gasp* alcohol at the wedding. In fact, the first miracle he performed, how he "showed his glory," was in creating more wine when the host had run out, keeping the party going.

It's an interesting thing, thinking about how to be "joyful". On one hand, you could just drink a lot of wine...but there's something about that just rings hollow without a deep and abiding inner sense of joy. So, just drowning my stresses and sorrows in literal wine isn't the solution. Probably wouldn't hurt, though.

The thing about joy is that its becoming more about awareness for me. Awareness of what I have, awareness of the good...and the not-so-good. Awareness of my own utter helplessness...of my own meanness, smallness, of my own inner "judger", that super-easy talent I have for thinking I'm right and everyone else just doesn't get it and so I point the finger at them and ignore my own shortcomings (gladly!). Hyprocrite-me. This kind of awareness might seem self-flagellating or morbid. On the contrary, I say. If no one had called attention to the fact that there was no wine, that there was only water, then maybe nothing would have happened. Noticing that there's only water in my life presents the opportunity for a miraculous transformation; for Jesus to turn water into wine. Helplessness to joy. Awareness of that exchange, dwelling on it, in it, swimming around in the realization of that miracle is...bright and full and awesome and overwhelming--like being swallowed in warmth and light after hours in the frigid cold without a coat. The prickly hurty delicious pain comes, the pain that means you are thawing, and you can breathe. Seemingly for the first time, you fill your lungs with warm, bright air. And that may be a way to enjoy God.

the ain country

I've been trying to streamline my reading lately. Usually, I'm sort-of-reading-but-not-getting-very-far in about half a dozen books. I've cut it in half. I'm right now officially only reading three books. Well, one I just started, so two?


This one just sucked me right in, which is weird, since I really couldn't get into it the first time I tried. It's one the hubs has been recommending...he even got a copy for me as a gift. I don't know what happened between that first sitting and this one, but now, I am committed. I think I despised the dreary grocery-store opening scene, couldn't really feel the rhythm.

It is a truly lyrical and fantastic read. The main characters are at once sad, and deeply charming and confused and good, in a twisty way. Like the pervasive twilight that hangs over the mystical "land" they find, the characters and the story that cradles them, are not quite dark, not quite daylight.

I read a bit on Ursula K. Le Guin's site. Man, that lady can write. Perusing her list of published books, I just drooled to see a writing life displayed on my laptop screen. I want that life...

...I think.

In Writing Down the Bones, Natalie Goldberg tells me (yes, she is talking to me!):

"Naturally [your writing voice] will evolve a direction, and a need for one, but it will come from a different place than your need to be an achiever" (40-41).

I put so much pressure on myself. I look at Le Guin's lifetime of writing, and yearn for a list of all my achievements, just like she has, ignoring the fact that she has a life of writing and I am newly born. I am at the beginning place, tumbled into the ain country. And things aren't clear yet.